Rosetta Stoned

According to my research, people lie online. In related news, water is wet. There are varying degrees of fibs. Everyone is trying to put their best foot forward, dress to impress, fake it until they make it. That’s expected. For example, on a profile someone may claim they are a runner. The justification is thus – once, years ago, they ran a mile in a P.E. class – voila – a runner. I run only when chased, so I won’t judge that one too harshly. What one writes about themselves has become almost a language unto itself, a short hand of what they want to be and a code for what they really are. This is not really catfishing, this is like working a resume – artful exaggeration that could possibly hold up in court. This started with a strange request from someone who posted a 30 year old photo of himself, but stated he did. I call him Halftruth, of the tribe Wantstogetlaid. We will get into what he asked of me later, but he inspired my breaking out the Rosetta Stone of online profiles, and deciphering what is said as to what it really means. Y’all may want to warm up a little. There is some serious stretching ahead. In yoga-ese, it’s more “No Way than Namaste”.

First, everyone loves to travel. It’s the given of online profiles. It’s the equivalent of saying, “I enjoy breathing air”, or a contestant on Miss America wishing for world peace. It just is. Travel is a subjective term though, one man’s jaunt to the neighboring town is not the same as another going abroad. Follow up questions are helpful, and primarily the point – it works as an opener – I, too (and the rest of humanity) enjoy traveling, please tell me more. Below is an example of, what I would consider, an extreme traveler seeking salvation and perhaps a place to dispose of a body.

Open minded. This means two things. First, he’s married and doesn’t much care if you are or not. Second, he’s into something sexually off menu. Someone once told me – kinky is using the feather, perverted is using the whole chicken. A little caution is advised with those mother cluckers.

Laid back. If I had a nickel for every dude who called himself laid back. This means either he is sporadically employed or lacking employment entirely. If he doubles down and calls himself a hippie, he probably doesn’t have an address, smokes a little pot, and considers a job something only for muggles. Swipe left. You’ll thank me later. Laid back from the employed boys is simply code for ‘No psycho chicks’. This, of course, has the opposite effect. Like moths to a flame.

The fuck it. There are some that lift their skirts all the way up. They are comfortable laying it all bare. This is what it is. There is a lid for every pot, so fuck it. No stretching, all Namaste, mother fucker. I respect the honesty, I really do. Below are some examples. I hope their naked reality opens hearts and some woman looks realness in the eye and says, ”That’s my man.”

So this brings us back to Halftruth. See below. He’s messaged me benign salutations for about six months. The other day, he decided to make his move. He was in need of some sexual healing. I’m not trying to be insensitive. You can read the message – might be true, might not – I hope he didn’t suffer that tragedy, but in the perspective of a realist, every single married man online will chant the mantra – I’m not getting any at home. Every. Single. One. I think this is supposed to work as some sort of provocative red cape and horny women with something to prove will charge. Here’s the rub. I said unequivocally no, and he wished me the best and asked, basically, if I had a friend who practiced in therapeutic pussy, if so, hook a brother up. Anyone?

So in this swipe left, swipe right world, every once in a while you land on a Viking. And brother, did I ever. He’s funny, thinks I am, too. And in the immortal words of Melanie Griffith in Working Girl – “He has a head for business and a bod for sin.” Amen. And just like that, hope springs eternal. And just like that, the tide changed.

Go forth and conquer.