Kama Say What?

Butch said something the other night and it’s had me thinking all week. He said, in the context of sexual positions, that a woman on top, that’s all for her, it’s like a grind gift to her. Jump back. This is new information. I’ve never really thought about it like that. If you take the physiological perspective of girl -on-top, it makes sense, though. It opened up a bunch of questions, and a lot of discussion on sex gifts, positions, and the biology of an orgasm. So, break out your pocket Kama Sutra, mix a martini, dirty, of course, and let’s talk about good sex, and how men and women differ in what that constitutes.

We’ll start with what got this ball rolling: girl on top. I know, I know, we are women (roar), but that’s the name. I’ve always thought this was more of a visual thing, and as we’ve previously discussed, boys are bears and like to see stuff. Butch did say that there is a visual element to this – boobs, duh, but her face, too, more specifically, her ‘O’ face, and bears dig that. But here’s the thing – is she going back and forth, or up and down? Right? Back and forth is all for her. It’s the grind gift. This doesn’t have the traction to get him there, that’s the offering, it’s all hers. I won’t lie, it feels a little like an interpretive dance to me – I’m feeling the music and twirling, but the audience is on a smoke break. Butch tells me I’m wrong, this is her show, go to town – and a little he’s right – he’s going to have a happy ending, one way or another. Next, let’s talk about up and down – this has the proper movement to cross the finish line, for him. Traction like a mother fucker, however, for a short girl, this has obstacles. Not enough femur. So, you get your feet under you. And then squats. And then more squats. Feels great until your legs burn like Cross Fit hellfire. It’s a short term solution. This is the secret I didn’t know. Feel the music. Twirl. It’s his present to you. Grind like a pepper mill.

This led to a discussion on missionary position, I think, an underrated position. Gigi said she likes to feel the weight of her man on her, it’s a mental thing, and a woman’s orgasm is about 80% cerebral. Missionary encompasses a lot of variations – legs on shoulders, both legs on one shoulder, grabbing a knee, both knees, legs wrapped around, on and on. It’s all about angles. Geometry in real life. While missionary is considered the red headed step child of sex positions, it’s the workhorse. If girl-on-top is the interpretive dance, missionary is jazz. It’s an orchestra for the vagina. One teeny tiny shift of the hips – his or hers – and it’s a whole new game. Kama versatile. This is Jimmy Buffet of positions – everyone knows the words and sings along.

Doggie: I really hate the name, but it’s a crowd pleaser with both the sexes. When talking about hitting the right angles, this position is spot on. This isn’t a gift, it’s the bastard workhorse cousin of missionary. Staying with the analogy, doggie is the gangsta rap of sex positions. There is freestyle potential, it can be dirty, in the best way, there is some swagger, and in the words of Eazy E, “Gimme That Nut” and, for all parties involved, it sure does.

Reverse cowgirl just seems showy to me. Sexy for the sake of being sexy, but without the merit. For him, it seems, ironically, he’s bending over backwards, or vital parts of him, anyway.  Literally. Going against the tide. For her, I see the friction potential, but it seems like, perhaps, you are riding for imaginary cameras, or maybe real ones, no judging. All hat, no cattle. One of my girlfriends said this was all for him, she can grab her own ass, pretend like he’s giant, her words, not mine. She says this doesn’t get her off, but it’s her gift to him. Butch says the visual is the rainmaker, more so than the actual feels. This is the 80’s hair band rock ballad of the sexual positions.

Shower sex. This can be in many different positions, but it’s worth a talk about. It always sounds better than it actually is. It sounds sexy, water feels sensual, in your mind, it looks hot. In reality, someone is going to be cold, and the other, blinded by water and quasi drowning. My girlfriend says it’s all good if you lay down in the shower. Agreed. That works. That’s hot. Otherwise, it’s two hairless, blind moles bumping awkwardly in moisture. Less hot. It’s the Milli Vanilli of sex.

Side sex: This is usually reserved for hangover sex. Not that there is anything wrong with it. Oh….or midnight fugue-state sex, the kind when you wake up in the morning not sure if it was real or you dreamed it. Meow. This is lovin’ that’s easy like Sunday morning.

I’ll  tell y’all a little about the research portion of my blog. It’s usually a bunch of people in my kitchen doubled over in laughter talking about the intimacies of anal beads, or sneezy blow jobs – it’s more male than female, and the guys are telling me all their secrets. It’s a ball, I’m not going to lie, but it’s a lot. The new man in my life, we’ll call him Colorado, has been witness to all of it with this post. Hell of a man. He was comfortable, contributed when he had something to say, and amused. He let me do my thing, and occasionally he’d pat my ass, letting me know he was here and I was with him. I dig.

Life’s funny sometimes. I’m not writing about anal sex at all – if you’ve done it, you know what you need to know, and if you haven’t by this time, it’s not your thing. BUT, I cannot stop thinking of titles for an anal sex blog. All day with this – Taint It a Shame. Wreck-tum. Butt, First.  Ass-sault and the Penal Code. I’m Orbiting Uranus. I’m by no means an expert on the subject, but I do like a good ass title. You’re booty-full  – see, I can’t stop. Fuck it, Kate, open another bottle of wine and Google butt stuff.

Go forth and conquer.