I’ve been thinking about blowjobs this week. Fellatio. Head. Playing the skin flute. The Lewinsky. A blowie. It started with a podcast where they were breaking down oral sex and giving step-by-step directions. They called their method “The Gluck Gluck.” I’m not going to lie – I was riveted. Blowjobs are mysterious to me. There isn’t a one size fits all solution. Every man has a “perfect blowjob” story, but the methods and madness are all different. The first blowjob feels a little like an audition, and you don’t have the script. That much ad lib makes me nervous. So I thought to myself, dig deeper. Butch and Sundance are in the house. The girlfriends have spoken. We have things to talk about. We are talking head. We are unraveling the mysteries of the weiner. Just because it amuses me, let’s get a head start.
Sundance told me a story. He has very specific criteria. In his younger days, he had a tragic tea bag biting incident that has made his testicles special and marked completely off limits. For life. All the other boys without trauma to their sac, have raised their hands at the utmost importance of including the beans with the frank. I’m getting ahead of myself – nudge, nudge, giggle, giggle. There is a lot of information to go over and it’s best if we go old school. First, just so you, kind reader, understand the starting point, I’m going to tell you a story. Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a girlfriend told me the proper way to give a blowjob. She said you lick it like a lollipop – lick, lick, swirl, lick, lick, swirl. That seemed incomplete. I had seen enough porn to know that this technique may be frosting, but not the cake. But, if you’re learning to fellate from porn and girl talk, then you’re repertoire is limited to deep throat, lick, lick, swirl. Rinse and repeat. One finds out quickly, that this can’t carry you through life. Trial and error teaches some lessons along the way, but a playbook, well, fuck yes. Here we go.
I can’t overstate how much importance and priority the men have placed on moisture. Oodles of saliva. The sloppier the better. It’s important to let the saliva accumulate in your mouth. Your mouth is the engine and your spit is the oil. Hummer, indeed. The Gluck Gluck girls suggest that if your mascara isn’t running, you’re not juicy enough. This much wetness will manifest into some slurpy sounds. This, I have been told by the focus group, is a very good thing. I don’t know if it’s because porn has made the slushy, sucky sounds mainstream sexy, or if it’s just engaging another sense, like mouth applause, and men love their junk gushed over.
So important. For optimum results, it’s a two hand job – literally – it’s a blowie and a handie. I asked the focus group, I asked the girls, this is my data. Stroke and fondle. It’s kind of like patting your head and rubbing your belly. There is a lot going on. To recap, your mouth is drenched with spit, one hand is basically doing a rudimentary hand job, and the other is farther south making friends with the fuzzy twins. Gentle friends.
The above will get the job done. Totally. But there are some A’la carte items we should talk about. My girlfriends’ head game is strong, they drink and they know things. First, this was new to me, but while accumulating spit, and being juicy, and bopping the top, and fondling the stones, making eye contact, ugh, multitasking like a mother fucker, it’s a thing now to take a little jaw break and rub his shaft on your cheeks. I guess…lovingly? According to my research, it’s a visual thing, and boys are basically bears and like to see stuff. I’ve tried to imagine myself doing this, and it looks a lot like a Price is Right model showcasing dishwashing soap next to her cheek, making a soft “oh” with her mouth, overcome with the idea of clean dishes. Then, sexy time dies and I giggle and giggle. This move may not be for amateur status. Next, we are getting to the happy ending. I’ve thought hard how to phrase this without sounding like a degenerate. Ejaculate? Eh, no. Baby batter? No, scratch that. I’m going to call it puppies, everyone likes puppies. According to the focus group, they love to see puppies on your face, chest, or neck. It’s a thing. I think this is probably born from a combination of the easy availability of porn, and also, he’s still an accomplished feeling bear who delights in puppy messes.
The age old question – spit or swallow the puppies. The sexes are pretty divided on this. Men, of course, prefer the latter, ladies, more often than not, prefer the former. However, there are exceptions to every rule. I have two girlfriends who truly like giving head, they say it makes them feel powerful. The don’t give blowjobs, they give blowjoys. They are confident in their technique, and spitting feels like quitting. The force is strong in these two.
This brings me to my favorite story I’ve heard during my head studies. Butch and his bride, we will call her Madame Gigi, were getting down with the get down while Gigi was stuffy with a cold. It’s not an easy task when you can’t breathe through your nose, but Gigi is a hardcore trooper. Mid-blowjob, she sneezed without biting (golf clap on that) and looked up with big doe eyes to Butch who had some sneeze sauce all over his nethers. Butch is good, he was fine with it, he is the beariest of bears. Gigi thought to herself, “I have a dick in my mouth, POWER THROUGH.” And, by God, she did. This is a good mantra whenever you find yourself in oral sex limbo. Power through.
Go forth and conquer.