Butch and Sundance

Image-1-7 Sunday Funday is a little sacred. A group of friends come over every Sunday for food and drinks, sometimes it’s a bigger crowd, sometimes just a few of us, but it’s a touchstone. These nights have seen love blossom, comforted heartache, there has been a marriage proposal, we have achieved our GoT PhD, we have endured bereavement, there has been deep belly laughter long into the night, dancing in the kitchen, some have done a few high kicks, we’ve almost solved all the world problems, and sometimes, we just watch a movie. It’s comfortable, these people, these times. What is the very essence, the very best of these times are the conversations. Like I said, a little sacred. These nights are fluid, I’m never sure where they are going or where they will end up, and that is exquisite. Last Sunday night started with my receiving a random dick pic, a side effect of online dating. This started a dialogue. An enlightening one. First, introductions. Butch is married, and a past man whore. Next, Sundance, not married, but wants to be, still a man whore. The phallic photo made the Sunday rounds, and the debate that followed inspired this blog.

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First everyone had to take a good, long look. Everyone spoke at once. Butch was critical, dick pics should only be chubs, never full sail. Butch sent the question of dick pic etiquette to eight friends of the same age – 8 out of 8 said chub only, this should only be a tease. An example from the focus group: “If you’re swinging a club, a chub. If you’re fishing with a short rod, give her all the veins you got”. Butch is 6 years older than Sundance, so some of the differences in opinion can be attributed to technology. Sundance has a whole standard operating procedure on junk shots. A code he lives by. Seriously. He has a rifle tripod with a rest attachment on top – specifically assembled, by him for photographing his penis, full sail only. My first question, “Do you send these to women you’ve already slept with or want to sleep with?” He said, “Both”. Pecker pics for the masses. This turned into the question of women sending explicit vagina shots in return. Sundance, of course, expects tit for tat. He explained that he has many vag pics, and really they all look the same. My follow up question, “So why get any, if you’ve seen one labia laden pic, you’ve seen them all?” What he explained is – it’s more a test, it reveals much about those few unwilling to snap a beaver shot, than those that do. Sundance wants a porn star in the sheets, and, well, on the streets, too. Butch was Switzerland in the area of trim shots. I mean, he’d look at them if one was in front of him, but he would never ask for them. This was useful information. It was like finding out your dog could talk. Butch and Sundance were like my secret decoder rings in this exploration of online dating. I had questions, and we had wine.

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To start, I needed to translate some adjectives. Men, generally, except for the examples we talked about last week, will be very complimentary in the beginning correspondence, usually about appearance. I’ve suspected for a long time now that there is a subtext to the adjective used, and it seems I was right. There is a difference between ‘Hi, Sexy’ and ‘Hi, Beautiful’, obviously. One means he wants to nail you and the other is more substantial, he may want to nail, scratch that, make sweet love to you with quality spooning to follow. One is much more fleeting, and the other more complimentary.

Cute – Okay to look at, but no real sexual attraction, unless drunk at 2 a.m. Butch did add that cute also means a good personality.

Gorgeous – Big time wooing. It’s a top shelf adjective, used sparingly by Sundance. For Butch, this word is reserved only for older, classy women who are famous. He’s never said it to or of a real girl.

Bombshell – Threshold adjective – sophisticated and sexy. A unicorn.

Pretty – Interchangeable with cute, according to Sundance. Butch used the example of Kate Middleton, classically pleasing to the eye, but lacking in sex appeal.

Hot – Straight up fuckable with no real regard for the person attached to the vagina, according to Sundance. This is the highest on the hierarchy for Butch. Hot is extremely pleasing to the eye and has a sexuality that is undeniable. “Dude. She’s hot af” is the highest of compliments.

Beautiful – We talked about this word previously, but I found it endearing that for Butch, it is bespoken only for his wife. It is draped in love.

Attractive – There is a lot of debate with this adjective. Sundance perceives it as a negative word. It’s the ambiguous hermaphrodite of descriptive words. When I was talking to my girlfriends, we will call them Sugar and Scarlett, we have a different perception of the word. Attractive is appreciating beauty, male or female, with respect, absent of any sexual overtones. Butch reserves that word for older women, which is the same, beauty minus sexy. From Butch’s focus group – we sent out, “If a chick is attractive what does that mean?” First response, “She’s not”.

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Kind reader, I’m with you. This is disheartening. All of the above listed are degrees of fuckability. All superficial. This has weighed on me this week and I have thought on it extensively. This is what I’ve come up with – men are visual creatures, and in some ways, more simple than women. They feel attraction first, and learn the beautiful, unique intricacies of that woman later.  That is almost always conditional on a primary physical attraction. Women are more willing to get to know a man, then determine her physical attraction to him. An initial sexual attraction is not conditional to delve deeper into the man.  But here is the good news, Butch and Sundance, when pressed to name a celebrity woman they classified as cute, pretty, etc., their answers were vastly different. One man’s cute is another man’s gorgeous. Beauty is subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Scratch that. Beholder.

Go forth and conquer.

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