Happy Valentine’s. Next.

IMG_2567 It feels like it’s time for us to catch up on the E-Harmony portion of our program, it being Valentine’s Day and all. E-Harmony serves a purpose, I’m pretty sure. 49 is a little long in the tooth to go cruising bars for potential dudes….right? I’m asking for a friend. The site connects you with what’s supposed to be matches “scientifically” based on the questions asked when enrolling – not really questions, a rating system on basic traits – example – how important is honesty in a relationship to you? Well, duh. If I wanted to be lied to chronically, I could have stayed married. How important is communication to you in a relationship, on a scale of 1 to 10? Well, fuck, I guess I want a man who talks. Does that not come standard issue? E-Harmony has been, well, like an anthropological study in the dating and mating rituals of middle aged men.

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My first experience with E-Harmony was four years ago. I was matched with a man we are going to call Chief. Chief was from Austin and Chief of Staff for a state senator. He was divorced with a son, close to my sons’ ages. We chatted for a few weeks and decided to meet in San Antonio for our first date. Bum Bum Bum. Chief was cute, a little stocky, which I dig, a bearded fellow, and well educated. We met, hugged, and sat down to order drinks. We talked about the menu, and kids, and got settled in. Chief looked at the waitress, ordered an appetizer, and turned to me. He started very serious – he told me, “I have a very powerful position at work, I’m used to being in charge, I’m like that sexually as well”. Fuck me, the booze wasn’t even at the table yet. He continued, “I have to be dominant”. The waitress came, gave me my martini. I hold a finger up to her, down it, and ask for another. It was medicinal. We ordered dinner, I mistakenly thought we were past the awkward portion of the date, I was wrong. Chief continued, “With you, I would like to tie you up spread eagle”. Don’t get me wrong, I like a little kink here and there, I can endorse that, but not on the first date, and certainly not before the fucking appetizer. He had more, “And, I would put nipple clamps on you, make you submissive.”  You first, mother fucker. Where is my martini??? Here is the thing – I have a lady hard on for trivia, and remember the most obscure, stupid stuff, and I quoted the Marquis de Sade, on accident, but it lit up his eyes like it was Christmas morning. We got through dinner, a quick kiss and I flew away like an unrestrained bird. Four years later, he still messages me. The Marquis de Sade has some resonance with Chief, and most sadists.

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Even with that, I went back into internet matchmaking, just a couple of months ago. Here is what gets me, these slightly balding, pudgy guys (not that there is anything wrong with that) state, straight up – don’t respond unless you’re pretty, one guy – you can be curvy, but NO CELLULITE. In caps. Dude. You have a wild eye, and you’re short a baker’s dozen of teeth. Slow your roll. I received an e-mail today that one of my matches had been banned from the site due to catfishing/predator behavior. The details were few, other than protect yourself. Thanks, E-Harmony.

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I’ve had messages from married guys, poor them, their wives just don’t understand them. Homegirl don’t play like that. Next. A message from a man in California who asked me if I knew what the bible really is. Ok, I’ll bite. He’s starting a ministry, one E-Harmonizer at a time. Next. Too many ho-hum messages of, “How are you today, Rebecca?” I get it. It’s hard to wax poetic with strangers matched by a computer, but, oh how I love when they are funny. Here is my favorite:  “Hey, gorgeous, just got back from a bank heist, and hoping to get outside to feel the wind on my face.” So random. So weird. This was finally getting interesting. I sent back, “Wheelman and kite flying are my jam.” We had some giggles. Turns out he’s ONLY funny when drunk. So, next.

I should probably also update on the new guy referenced a couple of blogs ago. He’s nice, a good guy – so close to almost being age appropriate. He’s fresh out of a relationship. I’m feeling some mixed signals, so I’m stepping back a pace, and seeing what’s what. And that’s ok. He’s also read all of my blogs, and a few that I have in the hopper, this could be an example, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, “He’s seen too much, I’ve been emotionally slutty.” We’ll see. Stand by.

I started E-Harmony and all this jazz to find an age appropriate man and hang up my cougar claws for good. But sometimes, you make plans, and God laughs. Every Sunday, I have friends over for Sunday Funday, sometimes it’s core people, sometimes they bring friends – all are welcome. A couple of weeks ago, someone brought a guy who was an amazing singer and guitar player. Delightful. He just FaceBook messaged me. Our age difference is greater than his actual age. A personal best in my cougarness. Meow. But no….well, maybe. I hate Valentine’s Day.

Go forth and conquer.

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One thought on “Happy Valentine’s. Next.”

  1. Dear lord…. come fix my house so I can be in your presence!!!! The ONLY thing that could make this better is if you had a podcast and I could actually hear you say this even though I could “hear” you as I was reading and laughing hysterically!!!❤️❤️😘

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